“The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish moral blank whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation, but you, my friend, are not evil.” - Mark Corrigan
On Peep Show, roommates Mark Corrigan and Jeremy Usborne (aka Jez), played by David Mitchell and Robert Webb, are always getting themselves into wacky jams, and their solutions always seem to involve doing terrible things to other people—and sometimes each other.
I could write a whole series of articles about the horrible things each of them do on their own, but on the few occasions when “The El Dude Brothers” team up their terribleness, they’re doubly deplorable.
Here are the top five egregious exploits they committed together…
#5: Stalked and made a threatening phone call to Mark’s crush
Sophie Chapman (Olivia Colman) was Mark’s main love interest for four seasons, until he reluctantly married her in a ceremony marred by his hiding in the balcony of the church and claiming it was a “prank.”
Marrying her was definitely the worst thing Mark did to Sophie, but the worst thing he and Jez did to her together was stalking her and scaring her with a creepy phone call.
In season 1, episode 5, “Dream Job” (2003), Sophie gets the promotion Mark wanted, which makes him enraged at her (even though he’s still obsessed with her). At the same time, Jez has beef with Super Hans (Matt King) because he got flirty with Jez’s sort-of-girlfriend, Toni (Elizabeth Marmur), then got Jez fired from a recording studio. So Mark comes up with the brilliant idea to get revenge on each other’s enemies a la Strangers on a Train.
Mark’s revenge plot against Sophie involves hiding in the bushes outside her house, watching her through the windows, and having Jez make a threatening phone call to her. The guys can’t decide what to say even as the phone is ringing, so when Sophie picks up, Jez improvises and tells her he’s watching her. He proves this by telling her she’s eating spaghetti (actually linguini). Then he stupidly tells her that he’s hiding in the bushes.
Sophie is frightened, but she’s badass. She steps outside and fires a BB gun into the bushes, hitting Mark in the face, and the guys flee the scene.
#4: Made an alcoholic drug addict relapse right before his wedding
In the season 9 premier, “The William Morris Years” (2015), Super Hans is getting married, and he invites the guys to his “stag do” (that’s bachelor party in American). Mark and Jez are ready for a night of debauchery, but instead, they discover that Super Hans has quit drugs and alcohol for his fiancé, Molly (Franc Ashman), and he’s now really into juice.
Like, really, really, REALLY into juice…
Super Hans drones on and on about the benefits of juice while ordering round after round of juice for the table, making the guys a bit sick. When the waitress accidentally brings them a tray of lagers, Mark and Jez convince Super Hans to have one beer “just to wet the whistle.” He does, and the next scene has him in the bathroom, belting out, “I just want to fuck and suck” to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and shouting, “I love cocaine!”
#3: Bagged, waterboarded, and threw out Mark’s new roommate
In the same episode, Super Hans asks Jez to take a bullet for him because Molly found drugs in his pocket. Jez tells Molly the drugs are his, and she kicks him out of the bathroom, where he’s been sleeping since he and Mark had a falling out.
Now homeless, Jez begs Mark to let him move back in with him, but Mark has a new roommate, a co-worker of his named Jerry (Tim Key). Jez immediately begins plotting to get Jerry out so he can move in, but all he can manage at first is stealing Jerry’s duvet so he has to sleep in one of those weird sleeping bags with a hood.
Meanwhile, Mark, in spite of himself, still has a soft spot for Jez, and he’s starting to tire of Jerry’s obsession with William Morris, so he helps Jez and Super Hans throw Jerry’s stuff outside while he’s asleep. Of course, Mark conveniently mentioned earlier that Jerry is “an irritatingly sound sleeper—ear plugs, eye mask, the whole blot.”
Once they’re done throwing out Jerry’s stuff, the guys still have to figure out how to get rid of Jerry. Jez and Super Hans spitball a few truly objectionable and clearly implausible ideas (e.g. tying him to a hot air balloon), and Mark unironically suggests they wake him up and ask him to leave “like men” (which obviously isn’t going to happen).
Then, Jez points out that Jerry is “sort of bagged for our convenience” and suggests they “bag him up and sling him out.” After putting up an “acceptable level of objection” so he can “be all reproachful when it turns out to be a disaster,” Mark agrees.
Super Hans pulls the drawstring on Jerry’s sleeping bag taut, trapping him inside, then drags him into the hall, where Jez “waterboards” him by pouring beer on his face through the tiny opening left by the drawstring.
At that point, even Super Hans starts to realize that what they’re doing is fucked up, but he still helps Mark and Jez hoist Jerry into the lift (elevator) and shut the doors. Where Jerry ended up is anybody’s guess.
#2: Framed a personal trainer and ruined his life
In season 4, episode 3, “Gym” (2007), Mark joins a gym, where he routinely hides from Sophie, whom he doesn’t love but is planning to marry (?!).
At the gym, Mark works with a personal trainer named Matt Townsend (James Carlton), who has a crush on his co-worker, Nancy (Rachel Blanchard), the object of Jez’s undying affection and technically his wife. With me so far?
Mark is horrified when he learns that Sophie has joined the gym, not only because he can no longer hide from her there, but because he has told Matt that he doesn’t love Sophie and is planning to call off the wedding (he isn’t), and he’s afraid Matt will tell her.
Jez is equally horrified when Nancy tells him she’s interested in Matt, and her interest doesn’t wane after Jez makes up disgusting things about Matt to scare her off. So the El Dude Brothers decide there’s only one thing they can do to solve both of their problems: get rid of Matt.
They start by telling the gym manager (Stuart McQuarrie) that Matt “did a poo” in the pool. Jez even provides the evidence by pooing in the pool himself (ew).
But pool pooing doesn’t seem to be enough to get Matt fired, so Mark tells the manager that Matt rubbed his penis without his consent while he was giving him a massage.
This results in Matt being fired, disgraced, labeled a sex offender, and most likely blacklisted at every gym in London.
And what was his crime? Pretty much just being a nice a guy.
#1: Killed, cooked, and ate a dog
Yes, you read that right. This is the most terrible thing Mark and Jez ever did—and quite possibly the worst thing any sitcom character ever did.
In season 4, episode 5, “Holiday” (2007), Jez rents a boat on the canal for Mark’s stag weekend. Things aren’t going so great until they meet two sisters, Aurora (Cara Horgan) and Lucy (Katy Brand), who are boating with their dad, Malcolm (Tom Knight).
Jez is immediately smitten with Aurora. Mark is less than smitten with Lucy, but when Malcolm mentions his company has a job opening for a call center manager in India, Mark decides to feign interest in Lucy in hopes that Malcolm will offer the job to him and he can run away from Sophie and their impending nuptials.
After enjoying lunch with Aurora, Jez tries to drive her SUV and accidentally runs over her dog, Mummy. Obviously, if Aurora found out that Jez killed her dog, it would put a damper on things, so Jez hides Mummy’s dead body in his backpack, then throws it in the bin (trash can) on the boat. Mark discovers Mummy’s body in the bin and freaks out.
At this point, Mark has a choice. He can choose to tell Aurora that Jez accidentally killed Mummy and try to make amends, or he could choose to not get involved in Jez’s dead dog caper at all.
Unfortunately, because he thinks the dead dog might ruin his chances of landing the job in India, Mark chooses the third option: helping Jez get rid of the evidence.
The guys try to burn the body, but they can’t build a proper fire (since Mark refused to buy firelighters, according to Jez), and it only partially burns. With no spade (shovel) to dig a grave, Jez decides to throw it in a dumpster, but before he can dump Mummy, Aurora catches up with him, and he follows her back to her boat to avoid suspicion.
Meanwhile, Mark is already on the boat, making a pitch to Malcolm for the call center job and resigning himself to “an endless, joyless fuck session” with Lucy, when Jez and Aurora arrive.
Lucy asks Jez what’s in the bag he’s carrying, and Jez tells her that he and Mark had a barbecue. Aurora, apparently salivating at the thought of barbecued mystery meat in a garbage bag, asks Jez if she can have some. Jez tries to talk her out of it, but Aurora insists. She grabs the bag and pulls out a scorched leg. The leg looks a little off, so Aurora asks Jez what it is, and he tells her it’s turkey.
Aurora and her family are unconvinced, so to prove that it’s turkey, horrifyingly, Jez takes a bite.
Yes, that’s right. Jez eats the charred remains of a dog. He even tries to get Mark to eat some, but Mark refuses, saying that it’s not his turkey, apparently thinking he’s blameless in all this, despite voluntarily attempting to burn the dog and destroy the evidence.
That’s when Aurora notices some hairs on the alleged turkey leg. She looks in the bag and takes out Mummy’s collar, complete with a bone-shaped license tag that reads, “MUMMY.”
Jez makes a half-assed attempt to explain it by saying “Mummy was the turkey’s nickname,” but Aurora isn’t a complete idiot. She screams, “They ate Mummy!” and runs to her dad in tears.
Of course, any chance either of the El Dude Brothers ever had with the sisters and their dad went down the loo (toilet) at that point, along with any shred of decency they might have had—and my lunch.
Which brings me to the opening quote, where Mark assures Jez that he is not, in fact, evil. They had this conversation in season 6, episode 6, “Das Boot” (2009).
Jez went on a boat ride with Gail (Emily Bruni), who recently got engaged to Elena (Vera Graziadei), who was having an affair with Jez. Got all that?
Gail told Jez she can’t swim, and Jez briefly considered pushing her into the lake so she would drown and he could have Elena all to himself. He didn’t do it, but Gail ended up falling in anyway, and Jez actually rescued her!
Afterwards, Jez claimed to feel guilty about wishing Gail dead, but later, he purposely hit her with a car. Honestly, I think Mark’s assessment might have been a little off.
Gail was fine, by the way. No Gails were harmed in the making of this article.